Hey, you. Yes, you. How are you doing? Good? That's great to hear. I'm doing... fine, i guess. No? You don't remember me? Well... *scruff* Let's see...
As you might have remembered from my last written confession entitled a Cry for Help, I am Zachary Dent. The ordinary guy you see everyday, who appears normal to the concious eyes of people, however leading a secret life of a whole different person in the virtual world. A normal-looking guy with a passion of a writer, who hids a secret of an obsession... Of living the life of the female character he invented named Teresa Sullivan.
To sum up the whole chaotic history of how it first happened, i was a passionate writer, craving for that ecstacy to create a legendary story. Hence the creation of my very first character whom i named Teresa Sullivan. Due to my curiosity of the public's reaction towards my character, i registered Teresa Sullivan a virtual chatting account in the internet where i can pretend to become her, leading her life and speak to the people of words from the mouth of Teresa. I got too addicted, which soon turned me into a confused human being with inner conflicts of identity.
No, i am not gay nor a transvestite. I am a perfectly straight male who still checks out on cute and hot ladies out there.
Then how bad was the conflicts? For those who has no clue on what i am rambling about right now, please do read my last written confession and you'll understand what i meant.
The second confession here fills the purpose of enlightening you of what have become of me since the last unforgiving occurence took place a few years back.
Remember Kim Woon? He had me chained to him like a heavy metal ball and there was no escape from our misguided fate for such a long time, until i finally manage to gather the courage in me to dissipate him from my life for good. It was hard to let him go, after i have sincerely cared and loved him as Teresa for 5 long years. But in the end i let go. How? Because Teresa had falled in love with someone else.
That was when Shah appeared in her life, replacing the metal chain which had long hooked onto Kim Woon, to his own heart.
I've known this guy, Shah, after about 2 years period of getting to know Kim Woon. Teresa found him in her Myspace and they became really good friends since then. He was indeed a really cheerful, happy-go-lucky all around kind of guy. The type whom people never seen frowning upon depression. It was due to his cheerfulness and friendliness is why i felt, Teresa felt, that he would do me, her, us, good.
Being the happy man himself, he always managed to cheer me up when i was down. He would crack up stupid jokes of his and acting all silly just to get me to smile and laugh. Yes, i do have this fear of the possibility of Syah getting hooked to Teresa after Kim Woon. Too many sins and problems were in my hands and i really don't need anymore additional emotional conflict. What i needed was a place to seek comfort, and Shah has managed to provide that for me. For Teresa, of course. Teresa asked him if he has had feelings for her whatsoever. I just needed to be sure. To my relief, he told her they were no more than besties. In fact, at some point after, Shah even seek advise from Teresa on the things he should do as some girl had asked him out. Teresa advised him to get to know this girl and what to do, so on and so forth. Sure enough, some time later, Shah thanked her and he was committed into a loving relationship with that girl who had the guts to asked him out on a date.
Shah was happily comitting himself in a relationship and still being his usual cheerful self with Teresa, assuming each other as besties. I pulled out a sigh of relief, knowing that he wasn't hooked with Teresa. One dodged bullet.
However, a few months later, i've experienced a serious self conflict regarding the life that i am leading, as Zachary both Teresa. The guilt in me, the concience inside me was rebelling and eating me up from surface right deep down into the heart of the core itself. I can't keep this up, i told myself. I can't keep doing this. I have to fight back. I have to... At least... stop.
Determined, Teresa faced each of her good friend and explaining to them that she needed some time alone, away from all the people around her. "Just.. give me some time... I need to leave, but i can't promise to return."
Of course, each one took her words badly. She had lots of gay friends. Lesbians friends, and it was hard for them to accept her leave without proper explanation nor reason to it. But i had to. It has to end somehow. I just had to. The hardest friend Teresa had to face and let go was Shah, the guy whom she owed so many good deeds to, they guy who really listened to her and made her laugh each time without fail. It was hard for her to let him go but she had to make a cold upfront and told him she won't be coming back. Shah... he was devastated, of course. But he didn't show it. He kept his cool and even gave her space to just... disappear. He didn't even ask her why or persuading her not to leave. He accepted, although aching with disappointment, he accepted her request to actually disappear from his life, without even saying a single word except for a savourless wish of 'good day to you'.
It killed me. It really did. And for 2 years, Teresa disappeared from everyone's lives, everyone, except Kim Woon whom she, i, was too hooked onto at that moment of time.
2 years passed.
One fateful day, curiousity knocked into me, thinking what has happened to the lives of Teresa's friends? How are they doing right now, i wonder? Are they doing good without their good, worshipped, and loved friend Teresa Sullivan? Are they doing okay?
Without further delay, i grabbed my laptop and logged into Teresa's old Yahoo Messenger, invisible, checking on their statuses. Most of them weren't online, and some of them left their statuses idle and blank. No, i didn't say hi. I didn't want to cause anymore harm to these people. No more affecting the life of others. I have had Kim Woon to deal with at that moment and Kim Woon alone was enough.
None of them caught my attention, none but one.
It was Teresa's old bestie, Shah.
His default picture turned to a picture of a guy burying his face in his arms and knees, with the letter 'suicide' written on the wall behind his back.
And his status was 'Please come back T.S. I really need you right now, Miss Alien.'
Miss alien was a code name Shah has given to Teresa as he felt she was always being socially awkward. T.S.... Teresa Sullivan... after 2 years, he still remembered her. in fact, he had probably been waiting for her to return. I can't tell for how long. A year perhaps? 6 months? maybe 2 years altogether? but seeing his disturbing default picture and status really pinched me hard. What was i supposed to do? was i suppose to keep quiet? or return to his life? I know how this guy works, and he was never depressed. Never when he was with Teresa at least. But what happened?
I couldn't tolerate this no longer. I can't just watch him suffer. He cheered me, Teresa, up when i, when Teresa was down. I had to do something to help him. I have to do this. I NEED to.
Shit.
I buzzed him. I buzzed him numbers of times. But it seemed like the messages on the messenger didn't really went through. So i typed an email explaining i couldn't get through to him through the messenger and asking him what was wrong. Sure enough, he replied as fast as lightning, first apologizing about the troublesome messenger, followed by a long sentence on feeling estatic to be able to actually see Teresa again after so long.
Sigh.... Long sigh.... I shouldn't have done that... I really... really shouldn't have done that.
Because this... This stupidity act of finding him back was the beggining point of real agony, much worse than how it was with Kim Woon. Fuck myself. What have you fucking done... Zachary Dent?
It started... It started by Shah, explaining to Teresa what happened to him since she left him for 2 years. He told her that he had been happy with his girlfriend, but at some point he noticed her acting puzzling, and weird. Soon, his girlfriend confessed to him that she cheated on him with a divorced men of 2 children, even has had an intercourse. Shah's heart was smashed to smitherenes, but his girlfriend insisted that she didn't really love the other man and the sex was agaisnt her will. She claimed to did it only because he made her do it. Strange enough, said Shah, he forgave her and start over.
"But the feelings were different this time," Shah said. "i didn't love my girlfriend the way i used to anymore. I became cold towards her. It hurts even more when that man she cheated with, managed to get a hold of my contact number somehow, and started abusing me mentally and emotionally, threatening me on making me pay for upsetting her, boasting on how he was the better man for her, that is should just leave her with him and let her be happy. He called me a bastard, a son of a bitch, he threw me and call me things that soon just beat my soul black and blue. He just.. choked me out of breath. The longer he abused me, the stresser i became. Teresa, i cried almost every single day just recalling about what he said to me. I just... I just can't take it, Teresa."
Shah then cheated on his girlfriend with another girl he just knew, just to get her back. He said this new girlfriend of his however, is really abusive. He really meant it. She was physically abusive. She would often hurt him by scratching his skin with her sharp nails till it bleeds everytime when he refuses to listen to her. She always carries a razor with her everywhere she goes and she would slit his arm whenever he made her upset. Yeah, tell me about it. She's a psycho. Shah claimed not to know this side of her, not until they have met.
What happened next? One night, Shah sent that psychotic girl home and she suddenly kissed him hard, trying to make love to him right then and there. Shah refused out of shock and tried shoving her off. The girl couldn't accept what he did and actually tried to kill him on the spot.
Talk about mental.
Luckily he was stalked by his previous girlfriend who cheated on him, and she found out he was in trouble and quickly called the police. That once cheerful guy was deeply traumatized and that horrific occurence scarred him for life.
Due to being thankful, he accepted his previous girlfriend's apology thus tying back the broken piece of tattered rope between them two. But it didn't last long. He asked for a break up for a second time with her. Only this time, it was caused by her lack of independence. He can't stand her having to rely on him all the time as if he's being a father to a child.
That was when he found Teresa back again.
But it seems that he sounds alright now. I began to wonder, whats with the suicidal message on his messenger? The call for help? The cocky guy explained to Teresa that, since she left him and was long gone, his life had never been happy at all. He admitted that she was the person he could trust and turn to everytime he felt down and needed a laugh with someone, which explains all the stupid jokes he cracked about, all the silly names he called each other. Teresa was the person who helped forget his problems because when he tried cheering her up, he made up jokes and he would feel lighter from his own problems as well when she laughed out and joined in the idiotic stuff he did.
When Teresa was gone, he lost all reasons to be happy about. Adding with the past bitter occurences, it drove him mad. It drove him to thoughts about suicide. He hadn't any friends that could really bitch slap a smile on his face except her. That was.. How much she affected his life.
I wasn't sure what to feel. Should i feel guilty for causing him so much pain when i left him alone? Or guilty for having affected his life to such extent? Should i just let him be? or stay for good?
It bothered my mind a lot but... In the end i decided to stay. I couldnt bear to watch him suffer anymore. I want to make him happy again, and there i went thinking, "Whatever could go wrong?"
Oh, how fucking wrong i was back then... How naive.
Being besties with him like old times again, Shah and Teresa, gave birth to a new sort of happiness in Shah's life. He had the guts to move on now and forgetting his bitter memories. But then.. Till one day, Shah asked her if she could accept him as... a sort of scandal. Just for fun, he said. Just to make him happy. He told Teresa that he know he won't ever be able to be with her as (he thought) she was in canada, and (he thought) she was already married with a son. He just wanted that feeling of... Happiness, when being in a relationship, and thats all. He convinced Teresa, convinced me, that it was all just for fun's sake and that he truly knows his boundaries and he does not have feelings for her whatsoever.
Like an idiot i was, i believed him and did a pretend relationship between us. At first, we laughed off the things that couples used to do when we started doing them to each other. I began calling him dear, just to joke around with him. It felt awkward for the both of us at first because we have always gotten used to each other by being rough and crazy. We were like a pair of jelly beans in an empty can; making loud noises, laughing out loud like a maniac and going crazy with each other, and all of a sudden, we had to pretend to be a pair of a loving couple and be gentle? Hell yeah it was awkward alright. But soon, Shah began confessing that he actually liked Teresa better when she was gentle. Strange enough, so did Teresa. So did I.
From that point on and forth was.... an...ecstacy... mixed with a hint of poison that kills in silence.
The longer we pretended, the more and more real it gets, the worse it affected me. The awkward thing that i felt towards him had turned into... Real... Love. Yes, it turned real, and it was way more real than those feelings i had with Kim Woon. This was far beyond the gates of heaven. I fell for this guy. Deep, cold, and hard. How can i tell? For starters, i kept.... missing him... so much, that it just hurts when i had to wait for his reply. I listened to what he want, and i would wait for him to get back from work literally every single day, and waited for him to wake up and get ready to work too. I got anxious when he didn't text me, and i would feel really worried and uncomfortable when he fell sick or gotten really moody all of a sudden. I don't know why... His gentle side that he showed Teresa after she accepted him just... It just gets to me... It just made me... Soft and mushy inside. Oh shit...
The things i did for him, i quit my job and rather be unemployed for a total of 9 freaking months, just so that i can stay at home all day long and tend to Shah whenever he's back from work and tend to him when he wakes up, preparing to go to work, and anxiously, excitedly waiting for him to come back home again so that i can spend more time with him and do the same thing all over again.
I trully loved him as Teresa. I really, really did loved him that i would literally do anything for his sake. Shit, and i didn't even realize this at all. for 6 months, i was in a trance of sweet love. I didn't even realize what i was doing with Zachary Dent's life. Like, literally... I just didn't realize what I was doing for the past 6 months i was with Shah. All i remembered was waiting for him, accompanying him, entertaining him, loving him, and the most humiliating thing ever, make love to him from text messages. Yes, make love. Teresa had loved him so much to the point where she would make love to him although it was only through text messages. I did it. This... screwed up relationship, this screwed up love... It hit ME, THAT hard.
No, don't get me wrong. I'm still straight. Being Zachary, i have no feelings towards this guy named Shah. But when my mind switched to become Teresa Sullivan, everything goes upside down. My life as Zachary Dent had nothing to do with Shah. Shah doesnt't know about Zachary Dent. and Zach doesn't poke into Shah's life just like how i did it with Kim Woon. I wanted Shah to remain untainted from Zachary Dent, and Zachary Dent's life to remain untouched from Shah. I separated them, But.... i have let myself be engulfed completely into the world, mind and even heart of Teresa Sullivan. And that was when the life of Zachary Dent was affected by Teresa's undivided love and attention for Shah. Quitting my job and rather be an unemplyed loser just for the sake of being there with Shah at Teresa when he's back home from work.
But with an addional empty feeling when it comes to girls in Zachary's life. Since i was hooked entiredly with Shah, i even have lost the desire to seek the compnanionship of other girls nor people. I just... I just wanted Shah and no one else. Just, him.
Shit, i was a real mess back then. How i wasted months for nothing.
Things got really complicated much worse when Shah opened up about him actually being forced to do a blowjob and be raped since he was 7 years old by his eldest brother who was a junkie. It went on till he turned 13. He'd gotten traumatized and told his mother about this but all she did was asking him to forgave his brother. It killed him inside even worse when he had to stay under one roof with the man who raped and traumatized him. Shah suffered from the trauma and depression so badly regarding this matter. He confessed that he was actually an extremely depressed person, he even took anti depression pills to calm himself down at times. The cheerful, happy upfront he wore agaisnt Teresa was just a mask to cover up the all-time depression he was suffering, but Teresa somehow just managed to ease his pain. When Teresa left, his life crashed downhill, and that explained the depressed and suicidal messages he showed on his messenger. He felt that no girl in this world would ever be able to love a tainted man like him with a humilitating past.
It crushed me deep down after i found out about this, and i wanted to prove him wrong. Damn shit.
Zachary Dent, I loathe you to the core and you are a total idiot for ruining your life just to fill in Teresa's. Fuck myself.
It went on for 6 months until something happened at work. Shah told Teresa that he needed to be away for a week since something bad took place at work. He apologized in advance when he couldn't tend to her like he used to for the whole week. Teresa understood and left him alone.
But after a week, nothing changed. In fact, he became colder than ever. He refused to explain what was wrong. He started treating Teresa so cold and emotionless. He wasn't the happy and loving Shah as he was 6 months ago. He became flustered, cold, heavy, and dark. These changes puzzled her, puzzled ME, and it felt like i have a knife stabbed through my heart again, and again, again, for each and every single time he had treated me, Teresa, so cold. The heartache and pain i felt at that time was simply... too much.... It was freaking unbearable. Teresa made sure he knows what she felt and sought explanation due to his cold self but Shah pretended as if nothing was wrong.
This heartache, it was so painful that i actually cried so badly from missing him too much, missing the times when we were both very happy.
Recalling these moments are just... Plain humiliating for me.
Through the end of that 6 month of torture, Suddenly another guy showed up in Teresa's Facebook profile. It turned out to be this one guy from 2 years ago from Teresa's Myspace. His name was Ralph. He and Teresa had a whole different history altogether. To sum it up, Ralph had asked of the same thing with Teresa, asked her if she could accept him as her scandal. She did. It was fun for a short while, until i decided to end Teresa's world when that guilt kicked in me. 2 years back, Teresa had asked each of her friends to forget about her and that she needed some time to herself. But she never actually did confronted Ralph. I didn't do it.
Why? Because i noticed, and even Ralph himself had confessed that he had actually fallen for her. I didn't really like him very much. Not that he's a jerk whatsoever. Its just that, he looks way too desperate and i didn't like it. He seems too clingy and he can't let Teresa go, and i didn't have the heart to say goodbye either. So Teresa just left him to silence for 2 years, leaving him hanging.
Until he found her facebook.
God damn facebook nowadays are like people search engine.
Back to the story, Ralph suddenly showed up and we became friends again. However he was devastated when he found out Teresa was already in a relationship with Shah. Broken hearted, Ralph told her that he had been loyally waitting for Teresa to return to him during those two years time. He had never stopped hoping, believing, and praying that he will end up finding her again. Sure enough after 2 years and more, he did..
Having Ralph by my side eased my pain when Shah commited them. Ralph listened to how Teresa's new relationship was like. Despite feeling aching inside his heart, he listened and comforted her. He was loyally there for her everytime she needed a shoulder to cry on. Due to Ralph's undivided attention, Teresa then decided to just end things with Shah and be with Ralph instead.
The break up was bad. Painfully bad. Shah finally confessed the reason he was acting so cold was due to her previous ex girlfriend who cheated on him, had contacted him and persuading him to return to her. He was stressed up even more when Teresa constantly pushed him for answers. He tried staying as far away as possible from Teresa in hope that she would leave him. The part where it just crushed me was when he said he had wished Teresa to die so that he can actually live his life in peace.
Oh... God... The pain....
It shattered me. It broke me. It trully, trully did. After the sacrifices i did for him? and he had wished me dead? oh... my... god.
It.. ended there... But luckily Ralph was there to help pick up the pieces.
And due to feeling grateful, Teresa accepted Ralph in her life and continued on with her life with Ralph instead.
The life Teresa endured with Ralph was... just... emotionless for me. It wasn't the same as how i used to with Shah. I only accepted him in Teresa's life due to feeling thankful and wanting to do him a favor, but i really don't and never did had any feelings for him as both Teresa nor Zachary. But he was the only companionship i had after Shah was long gone from Teresa's life, the one who was there for Teresa, for me, to help pull me back up again.'
It only lasted about 4 months, untill Teresa finally ended up asking for a break up due to reason of family matter.
She did asked him for a break up for the same reason two times before that, as i felt that i just can't keep carrying on like this, neglecting my own life and feeding on a life of shadows, leading on a guy who supposedly should have a better future and an actual chance of a love life with a real girl out there, not with someone he just cant ever be with. But each time when i mentioned this topic, he would avoid it or shut down.
And when i really did asked for a break up, he would actually shouted and cried out loud like a crazy person through skype.
It was hard. I tried for the 3rd time and he still refused to let Teresa go. Only after some time, persuading and elightening him on why it was best to let Teresa go, (explaining he wont have any future with her), he finally manage to let go and promise to just be friends with her.
However i know deep down inside him, he still loves her like crazy. Teresa was his first love and he onced told her he won't ever going to be able to find nor marry someone like her again. He aged 32 this year, still unmarried and refusing to, because of his love for Teresa.
Shit. How i have affected and destroyed lives, just by switching identity to a girl, and these happened without me meeting them or showing teresa on a webcam! How screwed up this life can be, just by being a girl who sincerely cared.
What happens now?
After my sister tried confronting me due to this.... Problem i am suffering from.... I managed to break free and stayed away from Teresa Sullivan's life. I have had enough breaking the lives of others. I have had enough helping them too. Right now, i need to focus on living MY life and taking control over MY own life.
It's time that i give Zachary Dent a chance at scoring some chicks and babes himself. Who knows, he might will find the actual true love of his own one day? Teresa Sullivan should lay down and rest for good because this time, i am going to let Zachary Dent to shine once more. It has been far too long since i've dated nor loved a girl myself. I need a break.
And so far, i have managed to score phone numbers for more than 10 girls, and dated two girls so far and counting.
I'm going to be Zachary the playboy like how i was back then if i really have to, just so that i can fix the screwed up mind of Teresa in me, loving guys and shit.
Am definitely determined to find the love of MY life. Currently working for it. Currently searching. Hard.
And so... It begins...
Hidden life and always will be.
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